video game dream

I often have video game dreams where scenarios come up that I only got from playing them, like shooting zombies. I spent last night in a futuristic planet where the way it panned out had me waking up rather amused. (I wonder if people would ever invent this in Medieval Times when video games weren't cool yet.)

I started out in a house teetering in the sky. It was not attached to anything outside that I know of, so I'm picturing a Looney Tunes house rocking on a rock on a pillar made out of rock. My purpose there was a female friend. And I feel bad for resembling pedo bear here, but at the time it felt like I was 10 years old meeting her parents. Dreams give you "time" feelings too, and nostalgia back to childhood. So we were standing there, eating Lays potato chips while dipping them in creamy ranch... (I guess I was hungover when I dreamed this. That's hangover food.)

When suddenly it flashed into us being adults and I don't know what we were running away from. But we were in a Saint's Row 3 land and she drove a motorcycle and I drove a car. It was a Batman looking sports car with a spoiler put so that it was a handle to serve the purpose of hang gliding on top, in back, and flying like Superman. The action came at a second, not planned out. I just did it and realized "Oh, my dream is making me do this." I guess the action consisted of floating backwards out of the convertible top and turning onto my stomach midair, so that I grabbed the spoiler handle. There is no other logical explanation.

I had been launched off the bridge where it's broken for no reason other than to do stunt jumps. So my fictional girlfriend in-dream fell off her bike and I was not managing to somehow land this jump inside the car, so we both flew out of our vehicles. So we flew down, facing pavement, and had to hit 'Y' to 'open parachute.' I had a flash image of being able to use her on my parachute. I guess that meant flying together midair real quick and grabbing each other so that the parachute worked for two. I have the flash of a teddy bear being there too. And another person. That's weird. So let's say there was only us three.

Then we missed too much float time so we landed on the ground hard. We got hurt but didn't die.

Then we were still in future time but we walked up a slanty slope on a hill, and then her dad opened the door to a 70's Philly house where a few concrete steps lead up to it. He had like, 80's 'god of metal' hair, blonde, like straight Barbie doll texture, but with the cat's mustache from Fievel Goes West. So he was a Disney-like character but turned out to be really mean, so I felt intimidated.

 And then his dog at his feet was wearing Scumbag Steve clothes - sweater and pants and I think his shoes were tennis balls, like the bottoms of old ladies' walkers. That dog was like a douche kid. He was like a young pit bull, white with black spots. I can't find a breed that looks like him, so here's Spunky.

And then I just woke up like, wanting to laugh, but still wishing the dream had continued. Ah, if only...

tumblr, beauty standards, new wave societal standards

So I was sitting here looking at Tumblr and my mind went on a tangent about what I always see. Okay, this is Tumblr: You create a visual scrapbook, so there's mostly pictures, but you're supposed to collect your own text, video, quotes, conversations, just anything... along with reblogging posts by others. (Make sure to have a cool layout. No one wants to look at trash on trash.) But the people that follow each other that I observe are girls who like girls sitting on their butts looking at their dashboards and reblogging photos and inspirational words. So there's a bunch of tits every single day.

One girl admires the human body, predominantly female, but I've learned that she's bi and has a boyfriend. And probably made some hippie post about not labeling her sexuality because love sees no gender. So she's looking at shirtless girls every time she's on the computer and I wonder if her boyfriend feels insufficient. I don't believe that girls can't look at girls when they're in a relationship already, specifically with a boy, because it's only natural. But there are some huge giveaways that something's not doing it for you if it gets to a certain point and you're so in love with the female body. If my girlfriend was posting mostly skinny model-like naked girls online, I would feel a small scuff on my ego for being fat and sitting next to her while she'd rather look at something else visually appeasing. Naturally, I'd doubt that she'll stay with me if I never look like that.

Some people post androgynous girls wearing cool clothes and making cute smiles or poses... shit like that. And I used to reblog remarkably cool haircuts or outstanding outfits I wish I had too. I just got over that phase. When you're constantly admiring other people's attractive qualities, it makes you wonder... "Why can't I look like that?" A long time ago, I started telling myself that I'm my own person. From an outside perspective I'm a character too, and I'm definitely not admired, but stop thinking about disassociating and detaching yourself from yourself. You don't need to look like a photogenic copycat.

So that leads into the way that I value... or idealize. For some reason I identify with a male. This is only because I don't know girls who act like me and do what I do, (but I also don't see gender in most cases as I believe anything is possible, so that's contradictory. I guess I'm picturing a cartoon character male if I could create one in my image. It could be female, cause that's me, so this is all beside the point). So to not be self conscious about my body and looks and attractive qualities, I identify in my head with a character who is a video game nerd and likes to drink beer and hang out and jam and laugh and be funny. Well, that's a given. We're all characters.

I guess where I went in my head with this is, other people lose their personality and character. Their ideals are about purely vision. Visual qualities. You have to get ready before you go out. You want to look like that. You post inspiration in the form of random assholes you saw on the internet. It's ironic that the people I know think about feminism and they're all for posting "We're all beautiful, ugly is in the eye of the beholder" and spend so much dedication inside to the fact that people don't have to be skinny, people are equal, don't have to look like models. As always, the media enforces that girls should look like a certain type of Barbie doll mammoth. That's unhealthy and scientifically incorrect! I believe that no one is realizing that the impact of media outlets on girls and boys has more than just one beauty standard. People are also buying into the "subcultural, look photogenic in your Dr. Martens boots and flannel, wearing a fedora, crouching against a graffiti wall in a cute position" phase in the evolution of standards put on the human species.

panda pizza

yeahhh

good clean life!

I'm on a running streak of sobriety, the first whopping 5 days since I was around 19 I think.



I don't feel very fazed by it. If anything, I feel better knowing I'm not that money splurging, corruption inhibiting, picture of addiction, etc. who makes herself dumber for entertainment. I'm dreading the moment I go out to a show or bar, stricken with the realization that sobriety is only boring when you're sad... or bored. In some cases that means standing around at a show being reminded of public desolation. Maybe making my companions uncomfortable. Not sitting there sedated to take my mind off of social grace.



Today I realized the relevance of socially awkward penguin. I'm socially self conscious and there are memes for it everywhere. My significant other used to have similar [heart races! palms sweat!] moments over miniscule, everyday events. And now she calls the waiter over  for me knowing how I probably feel about it. Like [Wants check badly, I've been done for 10 minutes. What if he doesn't hear me?]

I think one thing (albeit a secondary thing) that keeps me going now is the inevitable weight gain. Too many beers and high-sugar, high-alcohol content drinks for the sake of getting blacked out by the end of the night make for a large lump.



I'm the most weight I ever was, and undoubtedly I never wanted it again. When I was 11, I amusingly threw a burrito at the wall and prayed to God I could lose weight. Who knew I believed in it back then? And I said I would never ask for anything again. What the hell's wrong with America? Then of course came the speedy, run-on "But I know I'll probably ask for something again but I'll leave that up to fate and maybe it will work out maybeee? and I promise I'll remember this and be grateful forever."



I'm picturing a piping hot, sacrificed burrito on the ground as I pray over it. I was so upset that I might have left that burrito there to rot. My parents never confronted me.



But I feel in the place to defend fat people now. After all, I'm one of them, so my sympathy makes sense this time around. To care about the size of my body parts feels like defeat. The apprehension towards liver failure along with diabetes and a sentence to immobility is a big deal, but all these feminist "a woman is not defined by her measurements" reminders make it second rank in importance. I'd rather not have asthma rendering me useless in casual physical activities, but my motto has been

Little Caesar's > uppers to cut appetite

Fried chicken > thinspiration

Taco Bell > starving for the sake of beauty standards

And I can't laugh at any slander towards fat people. Like yeah the lady from Extreme Makeover Home Edition looked funny.

But it's not funny to generally talk down on people because of their body fat index. And like, teenage girls interpret "fat bitch" as the worst insult there is. That's the worst they can do and it's so much FUN when the power of language is countered with "No you're just an ugly fat bitch so shut the fuck up." I'm saying here that those opinions shouldn't be carried into adulthood and surpass what's really important. It's sad that someone with half a brain doesn't agree. And that Jess from New Girl is automatically loved while if she didn't look like Zooey Deschanel, she would be rejected by those roommates in a second, you can't deny.

time monitor feedback

This is what my stupid teacher said in response to my essay that was a joke:

Good job on your assignment.  As you continue using a plan in the future, consider being specific when setting up study times.  In other words, are you going to write a paper, read a chapter, or study for a quiz, etc…?  Helps in trying to figure out what you’re going to do when you sit down during study time - make the decision ahead of time.  Also, do we need to be concerned about the "killer dog"?  Are you in real danger?  Who does the dog belong to?

time monitor essay

If you were ever wondering what it's like when I write an essay for a class that I hate (because it just started, among other reasons) here it is. (This class is called Becoming a Successful Student.)

From monitoring my time spent for one week, I discovered that I needed to cut back on oversleeping and T.V. In writing my new time plan, I addressed this and increased the studying and homework time in their place. As a side note, I also adjusted my hygiene habits in order to be more healthy. I moved ‘brush teeth’ to the beginning of my day and increased the appearance of showers. For one day I added the idea of working on music so that I could encourage my creative interests.

There was a noticeable difference between the time monitor and time plan in that I had drastically increased studying and added goals I am interested in accomplishing, like starting a band and playing video games. This was in order to avoid having a bland, claustrophobic routine every day. The occurrence of T.V. and lack of variety in the daily events are confining due to the lack of excitement. Unfortunately, homework isn’t getting done quickly and efficiently in all that free time.

As sad as it is, the changes in my hygiene didn’t pull through because the place I’m staying at has a huge dog who hates me and if I don’t want to get killed, I can’t use the restroom freely. So the opportunity to brush my teeth and take a shower is “take it as it comes.” I live a scummy life and settle for smelling bad some days. Sometimes three days in a row.

Realistically, I had to leave T.V. on my agenda because that is the only source of entertainment in the room of confinement. To be honest, the T.V. is always on, it’s just usually being ignored. Only some of my decidedly random plans on any given day were accomplished, just not at predetermined hours. Studying didn’t last up to three hours a day because, one: I’m only in two online classes - reading and answering questions doesn’t take three hours; and two: I have an attention deficit. I struggle to pay attention. This class seems to assume I’m a full time student who has school every day and needs to cram everything into a written schedule. I just wrote down study time that I wouldn’t eagerly need.

My sleep has increased since last week, not decreased. I didn’t end up starting a band on Saturday, but I got covered in paint at a bar. And on Sunday I really did take a shower, so that’s good. I hereby vow to follow the perfect plan of at least sleeping closer to 8 hours a night. I will also cut back on my bad habits to try and assist myself in studying more effectively. I don’t know the correlation between smoking cigarettes and short attention span, but I think it might have something to do with being hard of breathing leading to laziness. I will use a planned schedule to organize my life when I have eight classes and a job.